“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” — James 1:19

I don’t think of myself as an angry person. 

But I am. I could give caveats and explanations and excuses. But that would simply not do. The true truth is that I am angry, and I know it…most recently and undeniably because I saw a video of myself. And videos don’t lie.

Over Christmas, my big, fat, extended family made chorizo (mexican sausage) at my parents house. I don’t mean that we bought a package and fried it up in a pan to eat. No, that’d be too easy. Rather, we jammed three generations into one small kitchen like sausages to make sausage—filling three massive metal bowls (including one used for sledding!) with 32 pounds of ground meat and 48 boiled chile anchos and whole cups of spices. There was no clear leader or plan, only a recipe…both for months of culinary delight and the unavoidable, unspoken, tension about who was really driving this chaos bus.

And here’s the thing: I wouldn’t have said I was angry. But I for sure was. I know because I saw that video that my aunt took…and my face. Oh my gosh, my face! It was a fearsome thing. I was legit angry. I wanted to measure the meat one way, which was the right way. Obviously. Period. And I wasn’t going to do it any other way. Laugh if you must, it sounds so silly to say it here. But man, I’m embarrassed to say I wasn’t laughing at the time.

And truth be told, if I’m totally transparent, I’m angry a lot.

I’m not yelling-and-ranting angry, but rather simmering-on-low-heat-all-day angry. You probably wouldn’t know I’m angry, just like Jo thinks Marme is never angry in Little Women. But Marme corrects her saying, “I am angry nearly every day of my life, Jo, but I have learned not to show it, and I still hope to learn not to feel it.” I am Marme. And I wonder with her:

“How do I not just hide my anger, but actually stop feeling angry so much?” 

I’m hoping meditating on our verse this month is going to really help me—not just be aware of my anger but curtail it. I’m sure this verse is not the definitive cure for anger. I do think focusing in and repeating these words to myself will expose my angry motivations and intentions. And they may just turn down the burner under my simmering pot. Here are my thoughts thus far:

“Be quick to listen.”

Quick—like I’m looking for every opportunity to really listen, leaning in with wide open ears. Is this me? God knows it isn’t. Not regularly. And especially not with my closest people: my kids, my husband. I don’t ask further questions or hold off on my own opinions. I don’t listen closely for inflection and underlying emotion. I lack patience and empathy, jumping to conclusions and even judgment. It’s shocking how regularly and expansively I fail at this. 

“Be slow to speak.”

For sure this is not me. I have a lot to say…a lot of wisdom, maybe a micro-sermon even…especially for my kids. “Am I right? I am right. Right? Listen to all the ways I know all the things.” I steamroll their perspective with my own blah, blah, blah. O Jesus, forgive me. 

“Be slow to become angry.”

“But I’m not angry. They’re angry. I’m not the one losing my cool. They are.” I don’t even recognize my anger, simmering just under the lid, like somehow keeping that lid on is just the same as not being mad. I am totally blind to how my lack of empathy and superior speeches fuel their anger. It’s no wonder everyone is angry. Yes, me too! I haven’t heard them. Then I sermonize them. And then somehow I’m the victim of their anger? 

Welp. That was a lot. 

Kind of brutally honest, I know. But I wonder if you can relate at all. Does this verse unravel any of your own self-deception? Will you let it? James goes on to say that it should. He says that God’s Word is like a mirror, showing us who we really are. And we have a choice to make when we look in that mirror. We can either do the comfortable thing and ignore it or we can face the ugly truth and let God change us. This is the counterintuitive blessing of God’s work in us. It’s only when we admit our sin that we can become more like our Lord and more of who we actually want to be: people who listen well and speak wisely and have hearts that aren’t so angry all the time. 

Do you struggle with anger too? Want to hear more? Listen to this week’s podcast here.