“He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” — Colossians 1:17
Oh Jesus,
Everything is yours—all of it. You own it all. You made it all. All of it is from you, and through you, and for you. And you hold it all together. I know this is true, and I believe it deep in my heart.
But not quite all of it.
Maybe in the 98%, in the big things, like where I live or what I do. But there’s that lurking 2% (or maybe 12). It’s that dark corner of my heart that is gripping tight onto that one last thing, the part I just don’t trust you with, Jesus. Because it’s mine—mine to worry about, to fear and to guard, to relentlessly seek solutions for and to control with all my efforts. It’s that really hard thing I just keep holding on to, holding back from you, and holding myself together through. I lie about it to myself and others, “It’s okay. I’ll be fine,” that is if I talk about it at all. It’s too vulnerable to be honest about, too scary to even give to you, Jesus. When I think of it, I feel stranded on a precipice, beaten by the storm, afraid of the waves crashing below me. And I sway under the weight of this burden I refuse to put down. I worry about losing footing. I feel all alone and desperate.
But I’m not.
You’re always right there. In fact, you’re right here with me now, whispering these words, “I am before all things, and in me all things hold together.” Yes. You are. You see, you know, and you care. I know it’s true. O help me believe it in my heart! And you are the only one who’s capable and good enough to take my burden and hold it for me. And in truth, it’s actually yours, you’ve always held it, regardless of my delusions of holding it all by myself. You bear the weight of it, as only you can, and you lean over and ask me to let go, you’ve already got it. And even now you are powerfully working it out (with all things) for my good and for your glory!
Oh Jesus, I want to let go of it!
Help me trust you with this one thing I’m gripping tightly—my 2%. Lord, please forgive me for holding on to any delusion that I can hold it together on my own (either in pride or in despair). Release me from my false control. Reconcile my mind with the truth and my heart with you. Jesus, you are my true heart, my deepest joy, my ultimate hope—not this world or any outcome in it. Fill my soul with peace as I trust you to light up this dark corner of my heart and make it more in love with you.
Amen.
